Episode 2: "Hackmaster Makes Baby Jesus Cry"
Campaign Date: The year 467, Xar23rd - xar30th
GM: Dave Nelson
Characters:
Assphinctersayswhat, half-elf, lawful good, fighter/magic-user/thief 1 (Andrew Smith)
Chewbert the Hungry, grey elf, chaotic neutral cleric 1 of the Feaster (Toby Miller)
Drowbob, dark elf, lawful evil, battlemage 1 (Mike Miller)

Log:
The story starts with the noble Assphinctersayswhat ("Asswipe" for short) sitting at the bar of Florgo's Tavern, a generic joint in the town of East Palmerston in the nation of Western Vekmar. Asswipe is joined by his newfound drinking buddies, the multi-personalitied, arrogant, greedy, gluttonous, swineaphobic, priest of the Feaster named Chewbert and the clingy, one-eyed, nearsighted, narcoleptic, heavy sleeping, Drastin battlemage named Drowbob.

Just then, two half-orcs enter the bar. One named Grundor tells his buddy Gorgo that he doesn't like elvenkind and demands that the three heroes leave the bar at once. Drowbob falls asleep. Assphincter calmly and politely explains that he and his fellows were here first, and that there is plenty of room at the generic tavern for many brave heroes. Grundor grunts an insult, and Chewbert pimp-slaps the half-orc. The rogue halfbreed throws down his gauntlets and draws his axe and the fight is on. Drowbob wakes long enough to cast one of his most powerful spells in his battlemage repitoire: light. However, the one-eyed dark elf realises that he did not think to purchase any spell components whatsoever! Silly Drowbob! Chewbert and Asswipe take on the raging half-orc who calls for his friend Gorgo. Unfortunately for Grundor, Gorgo is no longer there, instead the body of Gorgo is inhabited instead by his multiple personality, the "Red Shadow". Thanks to the "Red Shadow" having nothing to do with the battle, Gorgo falls once Drowbob casts Charm Person on the "Red Shadow" and asks the mysterious assasin to crush the half-orc (apparently charm uses no spell components).

Once the fight ends, Drowbob falls back to sleep. Gorgo snaps back, and checks his pockets, "Yes, luckily the 'Red Shadow' did not steal the map to the treasure!". In order to take the map for themselves, the heroes attack Gorgo. Chewbert takes several lumps until Asswipe is able to get a half-pound of butter from the tavern kitchen with which to cast grease on the psychotic half-breed's weapon. His weapon dropped, Gorgo is slain and Assphinctersayswhat takes the map.

Chewbert leaves the tavern in search of someone to mend his armor broken during the fight with the half-orcs. Along the way he is chased by a loose piglet until he is accosted by two guards who believe he is fleeing the scene of some wrongdoing. Chewbert manages to pimp-slap them into leaving him alone, dealing a severe blow of honor to the guard with a single over-arching eyebrow. Chewbert enters the blacksmith's shop, finds all the armor to be much too expensive, pimp-slaps one of the craftsmen, then returns to the tavern.

Meanwhile Drowbob has awakened and is drinking something strong. Chewbert returns and orders the cheapest meal he can find, spending all night at the tavern eating as only a glutton can. Drowbob, tired of continually passing out at the bar buys a room at the tavern. Assphinctersayswhat waits for Drowbob to fall asleep and then goes in and sodomizes the narcoleptic heavy sleeper.

The next morning, Drowbob wakes to some most unnatural soreness. Once Assphincter most nobly tells Drowbob what had transpired while the Drastin slept and apologized for any inconvenience it may have caused, Drowbob took an instant liking to the earless half-elf and became most clingy. ("Come spoon with me, Asswipe!")

The group follows the map taken from Grundor that leads to the forgotten complex of Quasaqueton. The complex was once owned by the powerful wizard Zellagar and his fighter companion Rogan. As the heroes leave, they find that Chewbert's personality has switched to that of the beggar "Old Sammy". Unfortunately, "Old Sammy" is just as cheap and greedy as Chewbert, so it is only with a huge amount of pain and wrangling that Drowbob and Asswipe manage hire "Old Sammy" to carry all their foodstuffs (30 lbs of "sailor's sausage" and 75 lbs of "corn dodgers") on their journey. Of course, having the Feaster cultist with the personality of an old, greedy, beggar allows Drowbob's pack elephant free to move unburdened on their way.

The second night, "Old Sammy" runs away in the middle of the day after running across a swine farm. The heroes press on, and are rejoined later on by "Mary Johnson", yet another personality of Chewbert's. Asswipe, the current watchman (of course Drowbob was dead asleep again) was flattered by "Mary Johnson's" advances, and was indeed attracted to the young, slutty woman in the body of a gluttonous priest of the Feaster. However, Assphinctersayswhat could just not bring himself to act on his feelings on account of "Mary Johnson" not being either asleep, unconscious, or dead.

The next morning, Chewbert awoke as his usual self and the group pushed on to Quasaquetion. There, they gained entrance to the front door by way of the brass key left under the doormat with the mysterious phrase of "Welcome" written on it.

The heroes explored the first alcove they came to in the main hall, and found a secret door (all elvenkind are very adept at finding secret doors in Hackmaster, apparently). The heroes went through it, made a left and immediately fell into a 40' pit trap filled with water.

The heroes managed to escape the pit trap with minimal damage, but they were trapped on a lower level. After fighting off a gelatinous cube, and a slimy green pudding, the heroes walked around for a bit until they found stairs leading up.

Once the group made it up, they found the scene of a terriffic battle between some adventurers such as themselves and some orcs. Three explorers, a wizard, a dwarf, and a human fighter along with two orcs lay in various states of decay.

The heroes pushed on to what remained of Zellagar's personal rooms, where they found a few artifacts. After beating their way out of a closet with a homonuclus and some sort of inteligent, enchanted, door, the heroes decided it was time to take their leave of Quasaqueton and return to East Palmerton to return later with more ale.

Experience? It certainly was.